things we all need to stop lying to ourselves about vol. 1

1. dubstep. dear fucking god, this shit is so awful there is no way anyone naturally enjoys dubstep. and there is absolutely no need for me to elaborate on this. deep down, you all know…

2. girls high-waisted shorts/jeans. such a tragedy – they look so cute, but are so goddam uncomfortable. who decided it was “in” to have a tight band, button and zipper strangling the area we store our food and waste?

3. #nofilter on instagram. DO YOU WANT A FUCKING COOKIE FOR NOT USING A FILTER AND STILL BEING ABLE TO TAKE A PICTURE? you do not get bonus anythings for hashtagging #nofilter. people need to stop using it as if they accomplished something spectacular. you touched a button on a phone, big flipping deal. also, stop taking pictures of your food, no one want to see that shit.

4. fourthmeal. it totally exists. don’t pretend you dont chow down a dinner-sized snack long after dinner. cuz i do every night between 9pm and 1am. its like the secret time of day where we can hide from our coworkers and friends and curl up in coffee-stained sweatpants and grub the way man was intended to. no calorie-free, gluten-free shit. just sheer fatassery. there’s a reason taco bell advertises for fourthmeal. because they know we all want it.

5. “nahh bro, i never get hangovers.” bullshit, no one drinks like an asphyxiating fish the night before and doesn’t feel its wrath the next morning. even if it just a mild loopy sensation, its still a hangover! we are all human, goddamnit.

6. red vines. i have never liked and will never like licorice. what the fuck is it…rubber? like let’s actually think about it. licorice is not sweet, its not sour, it’s not easy to chew, it’s not easy to swallow, and it’s just plain confusing. like why does it exist and what purpose does it serve? none. its just a plainly unpleasurable experience.

7. obviously i hate justin bieber and everything he stands for (im not entirely sure what that is, i just know i object!). but a few (undisclosed) “hits” of his are kinda catchy and you know it. we will always claim to hate his music and the make fun of the fact that he still sounds like a pre-pubescent girl, but when it pops up on pandora while you’re getting dressed for a night out, your booty is shaking and you can’t deny it!

8. when your friends don’t reply to your text message for 4 hours, they didn’t fall sleep and their phone didn’t die and they didn’t leave it in the car and there was not “no reception in the mall.” they just straight up don’t want to talk to you. i always try to convince myself that said person is just busy or experiencing some strange, uncommon circumstance, but yeah, no. so, screw you too.

9. facebook “likes” do not translate to real life “likes.” in fact, i believe its the inverse – the cooler the life you have on facebook, the more of a loser you are in real life. i have a “friend” who uploads some 273 pictures at a time and there is just no way in hell you can have a fulfilling life when you are constantly trying to scrape up comments from people hiding behind computers. facebook lives weird me out.

10. gasoline smells good. so do cigarettes. “ew, gross!” no, you are.

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