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Monthly Archives: September 2012

youre sucking me dry.  i have no will to fight for something that makes me feel so empty when i leave

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im not sure where my mind has been the past few months, but it just dawned on me that HOLY FUCK IM JUST NOW STARTING MY LIFE.

so here are things im really excited to do/experience/get depressed over:

some basics:

i want to love someone stupid and i cant emphasize the stupid part enough.

on the flip side of this, i want someone to break my heart. like, completely shatter it to suicidal crumbs. i want to be so far broken apart and sucked into a black hole of

i want to have a group of friends, like the ones you see in tv sitcoms. i need a barney, a lily, and a ted (im totes robin) that will be my roommates, ex boyfriends, maid of honors, and my family.

i want an awesome job

above all, i want to travel.

give people a reason to remember my name

some more:

host a masquerade ball

skinny dip in an ocean with someone i love

party on a ny rooftop

see a volcano erupt

see the northern lights

date a british boy

date a musician

ride an elephant

i should probably first tell you that i cant see my future with you. wait, its not that i dont want a future with you. its just that im usually disturbingly good at playing out the downfall of relationships in my head, but with you i cant see anything. with you, i cant foresee disaster like i normally do; i cant see past sex tonight, dinner tomorrow, or movie night next week…only the you and me of the here and now. i cant identify that one annoying tick ive been biting under my tongue that i know will eventually drive me to hate you. i dont see any potential clash of personalities, taboo topics, or irreconcilable values. im desperately trying to find some flaw in us that i can obsess over so i feel i have some control over my inevitable self-sabotage, but i keep drawing blanks. and this is a hauntingly blissful feeling. im terrified of not knowing what’s coming, but there is also a strange serenity to it. i dont know if you’ll be around tomorrow, but it almost doesn’t matter because the right now is fulfilling enough for me.

i also want you to know im ready for you to leave. i dont mean that i want you to, geez please dont ever. but you should know that im prepared for it when you decide to. something so delightful is bound to have an equally violent end and im fully equipped for taking the blow. every time i see you, i pretend its the last time and everyday i wake up, a part of me is expecting to never hear from you again. yes, its a morbid way to live, but its the only way i know how.