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Monthly Archives: November 2012

i just had my first meal in almost 3 days. granted it was one of those teriyaki flavored dried ramen shits with enough sodium to kill an infant, but nevertheless, food. i feel a little more alive, but not any less hollow. i also drank some water. i figured it would be a shame to die from dehydration when the real cause will be something much more tragic.

i keep thinking about that frou frou song, let go, where she keeps moaning and crying at me to let go, give in, because there is beauty in the breakdown. and i keep thinking, what the fuck are you talking about? i dont get it whatsoever. thats like saying there’s candy inside of poop, go ahead honey, and eat it. um is that a joke? anybody experiencing a breakdown will not listen to all that beauty shit for a second. its called a breakdown because it’s just that – a hideous, ugly breakage of your very being – your laugh and your will and your soul. cmon frou frou, stop sugar coating the poop.

i haven’t cried in about 4 hours. progress? maybe. intentionally distracted? more likely. whatever the reason, its starting to scare me. does this mean i dont hurt anymore? does it mean ive erased you? have i stonewalled all the heart-aching memories? or maybe my heart just turned into stone. i want to keep crying, though. without the tears and anger, i feel numb and i feel nothing.

i want to know what you are feeling. are you as beaten down as i am, or were you able to shake me off like light rain on an umbrella? are you hurting at all? i hope you are but at the same time, your hurt will make me hurt. are you relieved that you are free? that you have no one to maintain and care for? what do you tell people when they ask about me? do you make me out to be the bad guy? do you say anything at all? do they even know i existed? did i ever exist?

i took a shower today. i changed my clothes and threw the ones that smelled like you in the hamper. i cant have you lingering around, not like that. i collected the forest of tissues in my bed, the ones with the tears that you caused, and i threw them away. im throwing all of you away. except for a tiny shipping box with your name on it that you left in my car a while ago. inside, it holds a tiny memory but its not worth mentioning, its insignificant now.  its just a tiny box that doesnt take up too much space, so ill hang on to that for just a little bit.

i wonder what will happen from now on. will i compare everyone i meet to you? will they all fall short? will someone show me all the things you werent able to? what about you? will you compare the next girl’s smile to mine? will she touch you the same way i did? will she hold your hand the correct way that you like? will you gently kiss her palms the same way you kissed mine..?

its strange, how many things are running through my head. its strange because i dont feel any of it. the thoughts are coming from nowhere and fading into nowhere. they are thoughts i can transcribe into words on my screen, but i am not mentally present while thinking them. i feel numb. i feel nothing. i feel paralyzed and i feel trapped in a void.

anyways, back to bed. i have some shows to catch up on and some empty walls to stare at.

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today, i hurt. and my god, it hurts so much. its the worst kind, too. not like the sharp pang of a blow to the face, and not like the buried pain of a bruise on your shin. this is the kind of hurt that is slow and careful and deep, and the kind that i can never truly identify or fully mend. it is a wound in my very core and it penetrates through my entire body: in my chest, in my smile, in my tears, in my sleep. it’s invisible on the exterior, conveniently, but always intrusively present inside me. i cant take my mind off it; it weights me down, saturates my sight, resonates through my speech, and chills my touch. i furiously fight to bury it down or scrape it out or stab it in its cruel black heart, but it’s relentlessly quick to disintegrate and reform again. it renders me helpless and demands me to relinquish control. the more i try to fight it, the more it claws at my insides, leaving permanent scars while reminding me of its dreadful presence. i cant escape it and if i surrender, it will swallow me whole. the light at the end of the tunnel is not only so far away, but uncomfortably uncertain. until the glimmer emerges, i will make myself sick, drink too much, fuck too much, starve too much, and feel too little. and all in vain because the very cause of this unruliness is who would have the power to stop it. the uncanny part of this is that i saw it coming all along. its dark clouds lingered in the distance and everyday i coyly diverted my gaze, hoping we could beat it to the finish line. but we couldnt. i couldnt, i failed, and now i will hurt.