.

today, i hurt. and my god, it hurts so much. its the worst kind, too. not like the sharp pang of a blow to the face, and not like the buried pain of a bruise on your shin. this is the kind of hurt that is slow and careful and deep, and the kind that i can never truly identify or fully mend. it is a wound in my very core and it penetrates through my entire body: in my chest, in my smile, in my tears, in my sleep. it’s invisible on the exterior, conveniently, but always intrusively present inside me. i cant take my mind off it; it weights me down, saturates my sight, resonates through my speech, and chills my touch. i furiously fight to bury it down or scrape it out or stab it in its cruel black heart, but it’s relentlessly quick to disintegrate and reform again. it renders me helpless and demands me to relinquish control. the more i try to fight it, the more it claws at my insides, leaving permanent scars while reminding me of its dreadful presence. i cant escape it and if i surrender, it will swallow me whole. the light at the end of the tunnel is not only so far away, but uncomfortably uncertain. until the glimmer emerges, i will make myself sick, drink too much, fuck too much, starve too much, and feel too little. and all in vain because the very cause of this unruliness is who would have the power to stop it. the uncanny part of this is that i saw it coming all along. its dark clouds lingered in the distance and everyday i coyly diverted my gaze, hoping we could beat it to the finish line. but we couldnt. i couldnt, i failed, and now i will hurt.

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