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i really wish you hadnt done that. you know, gone and kissed me like that. i knew from the beginning of the night that you would be trouble. i knew when you reached around to the small of my back and held your hand there like it belonged no where else. it was a subtle hold, but somehow i could feel your fingers searing burns on my skin. you were telling me a story, i think. you were telling me a story and holding me, which now when i think about it, doesnt make too much sense. i listened intently, but more so with my body than my ears. i had absolutely no idea what you were saying. how could i, when your eyes sparkled like that and your lips moved like that and your touch fired volts of electricity through my body. i had no idea what you were saying but it sounded so damn good. all i could do to keep my knees from buckling was nod and giggle and keep drinking my drink. but with each sip, your touch melted my skin a little more, like honey or ice or fire. how are you doing this, what kind of black magic is this, and how do i stop it. you must know – you have to know – what you’re doing to me.

we left the bar when the lights turned on. we walked down the street for i dont know how long, passing pockets of intoxicated laughter. then you kissed me. like really kissed me. i dont know if it was the whisky or the gin or the evening of torturous foreplay, but all bets were off when you did. your kiss is the one that writers write about, and that songs long to replicate, and that the elderly reminisce on. your hands around my neck had me paralyzed and your mouth was feeding me some sort of energy i didnt even know i craved. i dont remember the last time this happened to me, if ever. it took what seemed like days for me to open my eyes again and when i met your eyes, all i could think was how utterly fucked i now am. there is no undoing something like that, there is no forgetting a kiss like that. two hours ago we were two strangers in a bar and now you owned prime real estate on my lips for the unforeseeable future. i really wish you hadn’t gone and done that. i am so fucked.

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today, i hurt. and my god, it hurts so much. its the worst kind, too. not like the sharp pang of a blow to the face, and not like the buried pain of a bruise on your shin. this is the kind of hurt that is slow and careful and deep, and the kind that i can never truly identify or fully mend. it is a wound in my very core and it penetrates through my entire body: in my chest, in my smile, in my tears, in my sleep. it’s invisible on the exterior, conveniently, but always intrusively present inside me. i cant take my mind off it; it weights me down, saturates my sight, resonates through my speech, and chills my touch. i furiously fight to bury it down or scrape it out or stab it in its cruel black heart, but it’s relentlessly quick to disintegrate and reform again. it renders me helpless and demands me to relinquish control. the more i try to fight it, the more it claws at my insides, leaving permanent scars while reminding me of its dreadful presence. i cant escape it and if i surrender, it will swallow me whole. the light at the end of the tunnel is not only so far away, but uncomfortably uncertain. until the glimmer emerges, i will make myself sick, drink too much, fuck too much, starve too much, and feel too little. and all in vain because the very cause of this unruliness is who would have the power to stop it. the uncanny part of this is that i saw it coming all along. its dark clouds lingered in the distance and everyday i coyly diverted my gaze, hoping we could beat it to the finish line. but we couldnt. i couldnt, i failed, and now i will hurt.

im not sure where my mind has been the past few months, but it just dawned on me that HOLY FUCK IM JUST NOW STARTING MY LIFE.

so here are things im really excited to do/experience/get depressed over:

some basics:

i want to love someone stupid and i cant emphasize the stupid part enough.

on the flip side of this, i want someone to break my heart. like, completely shatter it to suicidal crumbs. i want to be so far broken apart and sucked into a black hole of

i want to have a group of friends, like the ones you see in tv sitcoms. i need a barney, a lily, and a ted (im totes robin) that will be my roommates, ex boyfriends, maid of honors, and my family.

i want an awesome job

above all, i want to travel.

give people a reason to remember my name

some more:

host a masquerade ball

skinny dip in an ocean with someone i love

party on a ny rooftop

see a volcano erupt

see the northern lights

date a british boy

date a musician

ride an elephant

its 3:30 am sunday night/monday morning and i think im officially an insomniac. im stumbleupon-ing space exploration and illegally downloading the iLife suite for my computer.

a few thoughts i can manage to scramble together –

its fucking cold in my room and i cant leave my little puddle of heat to close the window and/or take off my makeup. ergo, i will feel AND LOOK like a zombie tomorrow.

my thoughts are awfully loud when the house is this quiet and still. im paranoid someone will be able to hear how much my inner thighs hurt or how im gasping for air from breathing as quietly as possible.

i have this constant fear of becoming bored with things/people. i dont know if its just some exaggerated fear of commitment, or if i have ADHD, but there is a looming doom that im going to self-sabotage something good in exchange for the hunt of something new or better. im unsure what it will be, but it will be epic no doubt.

there is a friend that hasnt been much of a friend lately that wants to go out as friends to say farewell before he moves away but im not a fan of donating my time to selfishly inconsistent people that can’t roll with the punches. man, typing that out is already more effort than im willing to put into this dilemma. i dont miss drama.

i need to change my bc asap before i start to get noticeably fat.

thoughtcatalog has been really disappointing me lately. normally i see at least several pieces that inspire me to write something half as good, but in all honesty, this here post of my delirious ramblings is exponentially more interesting and thoughtful than tc right now. and thats just sad.

ive noticed that i like art that that freezes or documents emotion. art has always been my lifeblood but could never really explain why, or maybe ive just never really thought about it seriously. i think i have a hard time understanding/feeling/empathizing/experiencing emotions, so its always so fascinating to me when a simple photo, song, or journal entry can make me feel something. and in turn, i always feel a great sense of accomplishment when i can do the same and capture any type of feeling in my art, whether i personally experience it or not.

my college diploma still hasnt come in the mail and it doesnt concern me too much because i dont need a piece of paper to validate my education and self worth, but it would still be nice to have, ok??

i also want to brush my teeth but i dont think that will be happening.

if one day i find myself with a lot of money, i want to build a beautiful house somewhere in a lush forest. it will be the most zen thing on this planet.i want a tree growing out of the center of my living room, and many libraries with old books and leather-bound journals. i want brick walls and wood walls and glass and natural light. it needs several fireplaces, hammocks, dogs, pianos, antique rugs, and extra large coffee mugs. i want everything to look and feel comfortable and i want to be happy in it.

if i could hang forty miniature dumbbells from the inside sockets of your eyes and make them heavier at an exponentially dangerous rate, you would stop asking me how i am feeling. i haven’t slept in a week. my eye movements have been anything but rapid, my brain strings words together like chunky mismatched beads and my body feels like a blowup sex doll trying to run a marathon in heels (and im sure i constantly have the same exact facial expression too). I NEED REM SLEEP BUT MY BODY WONT LET ME HAVE IT. is this some sick joke my body is playing on me? am i on a hidden camera show for science?? is this karma coming after me for having a life after college??!!

as if life wasn’t already one ridiculously cruel acid trip, a work party took place last night. this is just unspeakably wrong and unnatural on soo many levels. ‘work’ and ‘party’ should never be in the same sentence because there is an inevitable risk of witnessing things you cant never ever unsee. going to work on monday may be the most awkward day of my life. i think my boss is an alcoholic. he was 3 drinks deep before appetizers and didn’t even care to ask if i was of legal drinking age before force feeding me shots at the afterparty. it was an absolute clusterfuck of very questionable flirtation, belligerently horrid singing, and sexually-frustrated vibes of awkwardness from some people that really need to come out of the closet. i very much want to say i had a good time, but it was a strangely morbid and forbidden type of fun that im not sure is even allowed to be felt.

the weather has been rather humid lately. i dont know if it actually has been, but ive been sticky and uncomfortable for days on days on days. its like one of those hot flashes that you cant recover from no matter how many times you shower. i have no idea what my body is up to, but this proverbial heat wave is fogging up my mind and rendering me confused for some reason. i cant even describe what it is exactly that ive been confused about – its everything and nothing. and the more i think about it, the more my organs start to sweat. yes this sounds weird and disgusting, and it totally is.

1. dubstep. dear fucking god, this shit is so awful there is no way anyone naturally enjoys dubstep. and there is absolutely no need for me to elaborate on this. deep down, you all know…

2. girls high-waisted shorts/jeans. such a tragedy – they look so cute, but are so goddam uncomfortable. who decided it was “in” to have a tight band, button and zipper strangling the area we store our food and waste?

3. #nofilter on instagram. DO YOU WANT A FUCKING COOKIE FOR NOT USING A FILTER AND STILL BEING ABLE TO TAKE A PICTURE? you do not get bonus anythings for hashtagging #nofilter. people need to stop using it as if they accomplished something spectacular. you touched a button on a phone, big flipping deal. also, stop taking pictures of your food, no one want to see that shit.

4. fourthmeal. it totally exists. don’t pretend you dont chow down a dinner-sized snack long after dinner. cuz i do every night between 9pm and 1am. its like the secret time of day where we can hide from our coworkers and friends and curl up in coffee-stained sweatpants and grub the way man was intended to. no calorie-free, gluten-free shit. just sheer fatassery. there’s a reason taco bell advertises for fourthmeal. because they know we all want it.

5. “nahh bro, i never get hangovers.” bullshit, no one drinks like an asphyxiating fish the night before and doesn’t feel its wrath the next morning. even if it just a mild loopy sensation, its still a hangover! we are all human, goddamnit.

6. red vines. i have never liked and will never like licorice. what the fuck is it…rubber? like let’s actually think about it. licorice is not sweet, its not sour, it’s not easy to chew, it’s not easy to swallow, and it’s just plain confusing. like why does it exist and what purpose does it serve? none. its just a plainly unpleasurable experience.

7. obviously i hate justin bieber and everything he stands for (im not entirely sure what that is, i just know i object!). but a few (undisclosed) “hits” of his are kinda catchy and you know it. we will always claim to hate his music and the make fun of the fact that he still sounds like a pre-pubescent girl, but when it pops up on pandora while you’re getting dressed for a night out, your booty is shaking and you can’t deny it!

8. when your friends don’t reply to your text message for 4 hours, they didn’t fall sleep and their phone didn’t die and they didn’t leave it in the car and there was not “no reception in the mall.” they just straight up don’t want to talk to you. i always try to convince myself that said person is just busy or experiencing some strange, uncommon circumstance, but yeah, no. so, screw you too.

9. facebook “likes” do not translate to real life “likes.” in fact, i believe its the inverse – the cooler the life you have on facebook, the more of a loser you are in real life. i have a “friend” who uploads some 273 pictures at a time and there is just no way in hell you can have a fulfilling life when you are constantly trying to scrape up comments from people hiding behind computers. facebook lives weird me out.

10. gasoline smells good. so do cigarettes. “ew, gross!” no, you are.